“Feel” Project Part 6: Looking for Glimmers

Here’s a PDF of the project: FEEL (October 18, 2017 Version)

I would consider this a very early stage. This period of time is about sifting for the gold, the right tone, the right words, the right feeling. I don’t know where the gold is in this but I’m getting some glimmers.

How do I know when I’ve found the gold? It’s almost impossible to tell. Sometimes there’s fool’s gold in the mix. Sometimes something that looks like garbage is actually later revealed as gold in a different setting or time. I try to catch glimmers and follow them.

Here are the pieces where I see some glimmers:

• “I just feel like”
• “So many feels”
• “That feel when”
• “There’s no better feeling”
• “You don’t know how it feels”

These are all like list poems. A lot of TRAPPED IN DEJA VU TV felt like lists of one liners even if there was a cohesion to them thematically, and something of a story buried within. Also reminds me of a piece from better by foot called jaywalking leads to:

Even though this additionally had a gradual increase in scale and scope with each line. Maybe this is my poetry voice? Maybe it resembles the fractured, frenzied, collective economy-of-words of a tweetstorm or rattling off a bunch of chat messages in a row. It’s hard to create and be a critic.

“So many feels” is a piece I want to highlight because:

• I generated the core feeling word combinations by intentionally mixing words from a list of pleasant feelings with words from a list of unpleasant feelings.
• I am trying to replicate this particular mixed emotion/contradictory emotions Spotify playlist someone posted and discussed on a somewhat major blog I had found a couple years ago and found really interesting. I’ve been unsuccessfully search for what that particular combination was or even where it was posted. That feel when you can’t find something you’re looking for! But to shout out something from The Book of Human Emotions as part of the entry for Bewilderment, “It is reminiscent of the old homily: lose something, and you might stumble onto something far better while looking for it.” I feel like I’m stumbling onto my own thing searching for this. This is a glimmer.
• I love contradictions, paradoxes, mixed feelings, polar opposites coexisting.
• I am fond of some particular passages I’ve added for it:

is it shamefully lucky like the sole survivor?
is it powerlessly fortune like their family?
is it miserably thankful like their family?

is it courageously doubtful like a stubborn juror?
is it energetically uncertain like an adderall-addled adolescent?
is it liberatingly indecisive like a retired CEO dining in Cabo?
is it optimistically perplexed like a bored scientist stumbling on a phenomenon?
is it peacefully alone like a seasoned novelist working on part ten?
is it comfortably fatigued like a bodybuilder collapsing in bed?
is it pleasingly useless like a disgruntled employee zoning out in a meeting?
is it vulnerably clever like a college freshman attempting a rebuttal?

is it bravely aching like a celibate at a strip club?
is it heartbreakingly challenged like the most desirable love?
is it wrongfully hopeful like a naive boyfriend?
is it impulsively tearful like a manipulative girlfriend?
is it painfully sure like an exhausted friend?

is it hatefully interested like every enemy ever?
is it offensively receptive like an enemy engaged?
is it irritatingly understanding like a supposed enemy?
is it hostilely reliable like a former enemy?
is it insultingly easy like forced friendship through shared experience?
is it discouragingly joyous like people living values you despise?
is it repugnantly festive like those celebrating a win you can’t share?

is it hesitantly impulsive like an up-and-coming starlet?
is it embarrassingly provocative like a starlet past her prime?

is it despairingly certain like someone who know what they must do?
is it frustratingly relaxed like someone who did what they had to but can no longer define themselves by what they must do?

is it disinterestedly warm like the greetings of service workers?
is it suspiciously fascinated like a tip-motivated service worker?
is it anxiously intrigued like the person eating alone?
is it dully considerate like well-socialized patrons?

is it frighteningly curious like someone with a badge knocking at your door?
is it worryingly engrossed like someone ignoring the knock?
is it achingly brave like someone who answers?

is it crushingly eager like the preteen spirits?
is it tormentingly keen like the hormonal teen?

There’s some poetic stuff in here. There’s wisdom. There’s meaning. There big stories told in a short span. I also really enjoy the wordplay I achieved with that final cited line above. The rhyme of “een” sounds, the rhyme of “orm” sounds, the consonance of t’s, l’s. And there’s meaning to it, along with its relation to the line above and my nod to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

Do I spread out all the content from “So many feels” into the whole thing, making that the meat of the project? Maybe the real title is “What is this feeling?” and the whole thing is, much like this blog, about the journey and not the destination. There’s no neat and tidy resolution at the end but there would be many exits along the way, different feelings people can relate to or discover. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. With every sleep, with every word read and word written and thought thought and feeling felt, the glimmers become more apparent. Keep sifting. Keep producing raw material to sift through. Though I should consider that it can’t just be gold after gold after gold. Sometimes you need a little garbage around to make the gold stand out. And give everyone a break. Though there’s something divinely enticing about making a solid gold work. Or whatever metal is your sin. Platinum, silver, titanium. Pick your metaphor. I don’t remember anyone sifting for these though.

Standing in my kitchen, swigging some water, and zoning out around three AM. As I focus, the microwave settings are in my line of sight and I see “warm hold.” I focus in on this because warm registers feeling, hold registers feeling, it almost looks like it should say “warm cold” but is a fake out, and is a novel word combination. I. Ducking. Love. Novel. Word. Combinations. Beginning and end of story.

I think some people seem to express their feelings on social media with regards to a certain event or situation that’s happening and they say it’s empathy but maybe it’s moreso how they feeling and not them feeling how the others feel.

Visions of doing this as a slideshow. Can arrange text in many ways. Can arrange photos in many ways. Can use my Photoshop technique for the photos. Can do things like: photo on right and text on left, leading into a slide with three photos like a comic movement thing. Almost like a digital picture book. A picture book! Holy Shiraz.

This vision flash happened on my train ride home from work. It was a welcome flash after wallowing in my sleep-deprivation induced irritability. I’ve thought of doing a slideshow art project in the past, TRAPPED IN DEJA VU TV was vaguely like that but not quite. I was working on a presentation deck (PowerPoint) at work this week and that likely made this top of mind.

This is Part 6 of “Feel” Project Behind-the-Scenes Blog.