Tyler Fugazzie

I’ve heard that in an unprecedented move, the US government has agreed to grant each citizen the right to bear another arm. Top government officials and policymakers have collaborated with the world’s top scientists, surgeons, and social, economic, and religious thinkers to arrive at the decision that an investment in another limb means an investment in the future of America, and in humanity as a whole.

This project, dubbed the “Extra Appendage Act,” will begin in 2016. The project has been developed during the past 20 years in secrecy, thanks to generous donations from a group of anonymous philanthropists who care deeply about the future of humanity, and want the next revolution in evolution to be driven by the United States.

As stipulated by the bill, Third Arms are going to be given to every citizen free of charge if they present a short, compelling case about how they will use the extra appendage. These limitations were baked into the bill to prevent people from frittering away an expensive and bold breakthrough in biotechnology on mundane tasks such as moving furniture, multitasking a phone call and meal preparation, and scratching itchy places.

Thousands of applications have been coming in by the minute since the announcement was first made. The proposed uses span the many domains of human activity, from emergency workers laying out real cases about the increased numbers of saved lives, to famous bands promising to deliver commercially and critically successful albums, to physical therapists proposing new methods of quickly and effectively rehabilitating patients.

If you are interested in securing a Third Arm, you login to thirdarm.gov and submit an application for your Third Arm, but first you need to think hard about how you’re going to use it.