You Didn’t Save Your Important Work But You Did Save Me

I would like to formally thank all of you for keeping me gainfully employed these past years.

You see, I found an opportunity in the unsaved. I have been using your documents, projects, presentations, and other unsaved files for my own benefit. Remember that time you were almost 99% sure you saved that file but couldn’t figure out where it went? Well it went into a shadow databank I deployed that lives throughout the world’s billion-strong connected computers and electronic devices, forming part of the repository I use for tapping into knowledge I don’t yet have, can’t quite attain, and never plan on securing through traditional means.

I laugh whenever I see crowdsourcing efforts, because they’re all miniatures compared to the beautiful outsourcing engine I have sole, on-demand access to. I’ve made $1,023,000,900 in this time. I’ve given awe-sweeping presentations to local libraries about the Dewey Decimal System. I have 75,000 untrademarked logos to use at my disposal for any business I decide to start, which I have plans for as well. 

The examples go on.

I’ve amassed such depth and breadth that my biggest concern is finding the space for storing this data, but luckily I have your unsaved tips, leads, decision-points, and pricing sheets to find the best storage at the nicest prices.

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