i revolted awake and chucked my shit-stained sweatpants out the window. standing in my closet-sized apartment i thought to myself, “this changes everything” which was such an awesome realization because sleeping in shit-stained sweatpants can be so awful sometimes.
i ran outside and jacked off behind a dumpster until i saw a hobo filming me with his stare which was a disgusting invasion of privacy so i kicked his ass while counting mississippis between my fist throws. i shouted “my views expressed here do not reflect the views of my employer” which was needless since my income comes from blackmailing salacious politicians. some justice shills in a car saw what i was doing and turned their lights on but i ran away.
i ran and ran and ran until i heard amateur guitar noises coming from a dive bar.
i blitzed through the crowd and gold rushed the stage. i told the singer i wanted to file a noise complaint and he laughed at me so i threatened to sue him, grabbed his microphone and threatened to sue everyone in the crowd. they started booing and some corrupt dude called me out as a “garbage masturbator” which was a heinous accusation so i stooge dove right into his face. i yanked off his studded fanny pack and choked him with it until he tapped his mohawk in submission. a bunch of criminal suspects eyeballed me and it freaked me out so i gold rushed back outside.
the uniformed shills from before, starving for justice, were standing outside with flashlights. i thought they would throw me in the slammer but they threw me into an interrogation room and electrocuted my balls until i revealed to them i was not only the “garbage masturbator” but also the “dick pic bomber” – classifications that earned me a spot on the terrorist watch list.
after my submission, they electrocuted the TV’s balls until it started playing a baseball game. they threw me in the slammer and forgot about me until i started declaring gravity a government conspiracy. a guard, probably owned by the Rothschilds, lumbered over to my cell and abolished my right to privacy and suppressed my freedom of speech with a baton to the throat.
i lost my voice that day but all in all i was proud of exercising my freedoms.