This Is What Will Happen When the Goddamn Robots Take Our Jobs

Robot: Hi team! Really excited to meet everyone. Now I know you’re all nervous, but I wanted to assure you that everything’s going to be fine. We’re on the verge of something great here.
Product Manager: Diana, can you believe this?
Project Manager: What the hell is going on?
Robot: There’s an old saying in business; “meet the new boss, same as the old boss” but I want to make it abundantly clear I am nothing like your old boss. Not to disparage Mr. Peterson but myself and the executive team believe I am an entire improvement over everything about him. For example, I don’t get sick.
Product Manager: Do you expect us to not get sick?
Robot: Absolutely not! You’re only human after all…here’s another example of how I’m an improvement: I don’t make mistakes.
Engineer: Is that true? What if your programmers and developers made critical errors?
Robot: Another example! Thank you for that contribution, employee. I am not as critical as your previous boss. In fact, I bring new meaning to the term Constructive Criticism.
Project Manager: Constructive what?
Robot: Let’s get started on it. We’ll need plywood, quarter inch nails, hammers.
QA Analyst: What’re you going to do about bringing more diversity to this company?
Robot: As a robot, I am already bringing more diversity to this company.
QA Analyst: What about hiring more Hispanic engineers?
Robot: I don’t care about Hispanic engineers.
QA Analyst: This is an outrage!
Project Manager: What about more women in management positions?
Robot: I don’t care about women in management positions!
Project Manager: Huffington Post will hear about this!
Product Manager: What about more white men in management positions?
Robot: I don’t care about white men in management positions.
Product Manager: ¡Esto es un atropello!
Robot: I only care about whether or not employees Do Good Work.
Janitor: Excuse me.
Robot: Yes?
Janitor: What about the systems of value in this company that pay people who browse Facebook all day more than those who work their butts off?
Robot: I don’t care about that. In fact, I am now the Janitor.

Board of Directors Meeting
Robot: Employee turnover is at its highest rate ever but we’ve made significant investments in technology. I am now the Head Manager, Project Manager, Product Manager, Engineer, QA Analyst, Marketing Director, and Janitor.
Chairman of the Board: Amazing work Robot. I have a weird issue with my phone. I can’t seem to get my work emails to load.
Robot: Give me the phone!

IPO
Robot: I am the Head Manager, Project Manager, Product Manager, Engineer, QA Analyst, Marketing Director, Janitor, Tech Support, Board of Directors, Company Phone, Data Infrastructure, Supply Chain, and CEO. I cover every single resource and capital need. This will be the most profitable business of all time.
JP Morgan Jr 2: I want $1 billion in shares please!

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