Category: blog
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Dear God Two
Dear God, Do you use any social media? What was life like before it? I lived through it but my memory is failing me. Maybe I am suppressing the memories because I can’t deal with the pre-social media time period. Was the telegram the first form of social media? Is social media a conveniently coined…
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Dear God One
Dear God, Who are you? Why are you? Where are you? I have been worshipping or trying to worship others in your stead. You are not a man nor a woman, there is no way you’re gendered. You are not white or black or Hispanic or Asian, there is no way you have an Earthly…
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Common
The be to of and a in that have I it for not on with he as you do at this but his by from they we say her she or an will my one all would there their what so up out if about who get which go me when make can like time…
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2016 Emmys Reactions
Those Hollywood Types: Way to go everyone! Last night was absolutely stunning. We ended on time, there were no controversies, and we really shared some strong messages. Bloggers: Wow, what a show. Those Jay-Z lines were killer. Where was Beyoncé though? Political Pundit Guy: Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a singular talent. More Emmys than any other…
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When the Verizon Guy Switched to Sprint
Verizon: What if we do like, “Can you here me now?” and we use it to promote location services? Paul: Ugh. All these years and this is the best you can come up with? Verizon: It could also be interpreted as a more existential thing. Here. Can we ever be here? Can anyone ever know…
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If You Stream Nelly’s Songs Then Nelly Didn’t Do Anything Wrong
Government: So it’s about $2.4 million you owe us. Nelly: I said. Government: We need you to pay immediately. Nelly: It’s getting hot in here. Government: Yes we’ve cranked the heat up in there to roughly half of what you owe us. Nelly: So hot. Government: Keep your clothes on Nelly. Nelly: So hot…. Government:…
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This Is What Will Happen When the Goddamn Robots Take Our Jobs
Robot: Hi team! Really excited to meet everyone. Now I know you’re all nervous, but I wanted to assure you that everything’s going to be fine. We’re on the verge of something great here. Product Manager: Diana, can you believe this? Project Manager: What the hell is going on? Robot: There’s an old saying in business; “meet…
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Oh, Gary Johnson Knows Aleppo Alright
Gary Johnson: I’m so sorry baby. Aleppo: You’re such a bad liar. How do you think you’ll ever survive as president? Gary Johnson: People will forget. They always forget. I didn’t think they’d ask. Aleppo: We have to be more careful. Gary Johnson: You’re right. Aleppo: Delete those photos I sent you. Gary Johnson: But…but…
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Sweet Schedule
To write this piece, I set a schedule for when I would write each line. The time is indicated next to the line. 5 PM and 6 PM are missing because I was napping at those times and didn’t write anything. The sky is not blue (1:00 PM) Red disappears from Earth (2:00 PM) When we…
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A Day in Little USA
i revolted awake and chucked my shit-stained sweatpants out the window. standing in my closet-sized apartment i thought to myself, “this changes everything” which was such an awesome realization because sleeping in shit-stained sweatpants can be so awful sometimes. i ran outside and jacked off behind a dumpster until i saw a hobo filming me with his…
Tyler Fugazzie 